1
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:09,835
SUE:
See? You were right.
That Pacalioglu guy

2
00:00:09,879 --> 00:00:12,012
was there the day
before your séance.

3
00:00:12,055 --> 00:00:14,101
I knew it!But there's more.

4
00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:16,059
Right when they
entered the gallery,

5
00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:17,756
the camera
stops recording.

6
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:21,195
That must have been when they
tampered the lights bulbs.

7
00:00:21,238 --> 00:00:23,284
What else do we
know about this guy?

8
00:00:23,327 --> 00:00:26,330
It seems he's
fashioned himself
a little ghost hut

9
00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:28,289
out of an abandoned
newsstand.

10
00:00:28,332 --> 00:00:31,466
What are you scheming?

11
00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:35,078
What's going on inside
that chubby brain of yours?

12
00:00:37,254 --> 00:00:40,083
[ alarm buzzing ]

13
00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:42,999
Yes! Three hours
without moving!

14
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,133
A new record!
P.R.in' all over the place.

15
00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:48,918
To the victor
go the spoils.

16
00:00:50,224 --> 00:00:51,442
Oh, what--?

17
00:00:53,096 --> 00:00:55,359
Aah! Oh, God!Aah!

18
00:01:03,106 --> 00:01:07,154
Hey, buddy.
What are you supposed to be?

19
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:09,156
You're, like,
a little blob creature?

20
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:11,071
Chips.KEVIN: No. No, no.

21
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:12,898
This is living people food.

22
00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:14,291
It won't take.Please?

23
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:17,947
Oh, cute.
Okay, fine.
Fine. Here.

24
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:20,167
Yay!

25
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:23,300
[ munching ]

26
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,128
Whoa!
How are you eating that?

27
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,738
Bye.

28
00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:28,262
Oh! Hey, no!

29
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,133
Get back here,
you little scamp!

30
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:33,136
Come on-- Aw!
I was eating those.

31
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:37,227
I don t believe that guy.

32
00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:44,930
[ coughing ]
Oh, God!

33
00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:46,018
Excuse me.
Hi, there.

34
00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:47,585
Oh, hi, there. Oh.

35
00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:49,370
I thought
these were Classics.

36
00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:50,893
But they're flaming hot.

37
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:52,677
[ coughing ]
Ooh!

38
00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:56,028
Oh, God.
Oh.

39
00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:58,205
Okay, I m sorry.
Okay.

40
00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:00,163
Here we go.
Ahem.

41
00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:02,296
Under control.
How can I help you?

42
00:02:02,339 --> 00:02:04,211
Well, it says here
that you deal with ghosts.

43
00:02:04,254 --> 00:02:07,431
Is that real or
is that, like, a joke?

44
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,955
No, that's real.
Why, is it funny?

45
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:12,262
No, no.
And I know funny.

46
00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:15,265
I m Darcy Baldo. I own
the Big Apple Comedy Shack.

47
00:02:15,309 --> 00:02:17,833
Oh, my God.
That is my favorite
comedy club in New York.

48
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,791
All right!
I've never seen the stand-up

49
00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:21,663
but the chili cheeseburgers
are fantastic.

50
00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:23,839
Well, we have the same chef
as the Laugh Factory.

51
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:26,363
I know.
Ha-ha!

52
00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:29,584
Here's the deal.
I think my club is haunted.

53
00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:31,803
Oh.The weirdness
only happens

54
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,544
really late at night
after I close down.

55
00:02:33,588 --> 00:02:37,331
So I was wondering
if you could come by
and maybe check it out?

56
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,115
Yeah.
I could swing that.

57
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,205
Oh, fantastic! Great.
You don't, by any chance,

58
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:43,598
charge extra
for late-night gigs,
do you?

59
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:46,296
I hadn't actually
ever thought of that.

60
00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:48,559
Uh, good idea.
Can I?
Ah.

61
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:50,518
No. Just forget
I mentioned that.

62
00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:52,172
Bad idea.
Yeah.

63
00:02:52,215 --> 00:02:54,783
Forgotten.
Great.

64
00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:56,350
So I'll see you
later tonight.

65
00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:58,613
For what?

66
00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:02,138
[ mysterious theme playing ]

67
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,666
[ rock theme playing ]

68
00:03:33,256 --> 00:03:36,303
[ upbeat theme playing ]

69
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:39,349
ROOFIE:
No, no, $50.
That's it.

70
00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:40,872
I'm giving you 45.
Fifty.

71
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:43,310
It's 45. Take it.
Stop it already.
[ groans ]

72
00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,143
Isn't that...?

73
00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:53,233
That s my new client,
Anal Bead.

74
00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:55,583
He loves dope.Oh.

75
00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:57,324
[ muttering ]

76
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,195
How you doin', Pac?
Good.

77
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,414
How's business?

78
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:02,024
Everything's great.
I really can't complain.

79
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,287
I have a gig tonight
at a comedy club.

80
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:07,508
It s an all-night thing.
I was wondering if you
have uppers.

81
00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:10,685
Oh. So I'm assuming
I'll put this on your tab?

82
00:04:10,728 --> 00:04:13,165
Yeah, or you could
put it on my hand.

83
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:15,429
[ both chuckle ]

84
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,387
Yo, just be careful
with that stuff, man.

85
00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:18,519
You know how you get.

86
00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:22,392
[ mysterious theme playing ]

87
00:04:24,568 --> 00:04:27,310
Okay. All right, might as
well get comfortable, huh?

88
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:30,444
Sometimes these ghosts can
take their sweet-ass time
showing up.

89
00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:32,750
Know what I mean, know what
I mean, know what I mean?

90
00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:35,100
So why don't we rap, huh?
What's your name?

91
00:04:35,144 --> 00:04:37,189
We just covered that.
It's Darcy, isn't it?

92
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:38,974
Is it Darcy,
is it D'Arcy?

93
00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:41,150
No, it s just Darcy.Just Darcy,
all right.

94
00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:43,892
So, what's your zodiac sign?
Do you have any pets?
What're their signs?

95
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,024
How many men
have you slept with?

96
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,635
Just lock up when you leave.Can do. Can do.

97
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:48,766
Okay. All right.

98
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,639
Eee! Ugh!

99
00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:57,035
[ imitating guitar solo ]

100
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,994
Unh!
Wow.

101
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:02,345
[ mellow theme playing ]

102
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,305
[ voices chattering ]

103
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,051
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, 
can you please welcome 
to the stage,

104
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:15,358
 Buddy Silvers.

105
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:17,273
Ha-ha-ha! Hi.[ audience applauds ]

106
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,840
BUDDY:
Thank you.
Thank you.

107
00:05:18,883 --> 00:05:20,320
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.

108
00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:22,365
And thank you especially.

109
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:24,149
My wife was the romantic one
in our relationship.

110
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,238
I have to say she said,
"Buddy, listen to me.

111
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,458
"When we die, I want us
to come back us ghosts

112
00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:32,419
and haunt the place
where we had our first date."

113
00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:34,334
I said, "Honey, I sold
that car years ago."

114
00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:35,857
[ audience laughs ]

115
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,511
BUDDY:
It was a short date,
let me tell you.

116
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,817
I finally figured out
the secret to a happy marriage.

117
00:05:39,861 --> 00:05:43,386
One of you has to die, huh?[ laughing ]

118
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,562
My wife, she wasn't
too much of a cook,
you know what I mean?

119
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,869
But she did have a tuna
casserole that was to die for.

120
00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:50,524
I found out the hard way.

121
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,177
How do you think
I got here?

122
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:53,527
Thank you very much.
Thank you, everybody.

123
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:56,399
I'm Buddy Silvers.
I will be here all week.

124
00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:58,358
And the next week
and the week after that.

125
00:05:58,401 --> 00:05:59,750
I'll be here for eternity.[ laughing ]

126
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:02,057
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.

127
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:03,580
Oh!

128
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:05,930
It's funny
because it s true.

129
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:09,717
Oh-ho. Hey, thanks, Jim.
Oh, yeah.

130
00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:14,765
Hi, uh, Buddy?

131
00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:16,158
I'm sorry, I don't mean
to bother you

132
00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,813
but I wanted to come over
and tell you that was,

133
00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:21,598
like, really,
really something.

134
00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:23,426
You kidding?
The crowd was dead.

135
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:26,298
Thank you very much.[ laughs ]

136
00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:28,431
That guy never
takes a break, huh?

137
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,433
So listen, do you mind
if I sit down?

138
00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:32,522
Suit yourself.Thanks.

139
00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:36,134
My name is Kevin Pacalioglu
and I'm actually a medium.

140
00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:38,528
I'm here
to help you move on.

141
00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:40,487
You have to have something,
some unfinished business,

142
00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:42,402
or you wouldn't be
trapped here every night.

143
00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:43,751
Trapped?
Yeah.

144
00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:45,709
Are you kidding?
This is a great gig.

145
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,624
I'm only here every night
because I wanna be.

146
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,670
And besides, you know,

147
00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:52,499
being a ghost is better
than what's waiting for me

148
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,892
on the other side of that light,
I'll tell you that.

149
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:57,721
And what's that?My wife.

150
00:06:57,765 --> 00:06:59,462
That wasn't a joke.

151
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,508
Seriously, she scares
the hell out of me.

152
00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:04,946
So you just don't
want to move on?

153
00:07:04,989 --> 00:07:07,644
[ scoffs ]
I m having the time
of my afterlife here.

154
00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:11,605
[ mysterious theme playing ]

155
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:14,782
 DARCY: 
So how did it go?

156
00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:17,698
Your ghost is a former
comedian named Buddy Silvers.

157
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:20,527
He does this bit
about his wife.

158
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:24,095
[ laughing ]
It's so good.

159
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:26,010
It's cutting-edge stuff.

160
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,534
Yeah, I remember
a Buddy Silvers.

161
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:30,493
He was a headliner up in
the Catskills back in the '60s.

162
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:34,279
Yeah, well, now he's
a deadliner here at your club.

163
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:37,500
First ghost I've ever met
that didn't want my help,
though.

164
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,720
You're gonna figure out
something, though, right?

165
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:42,374
No. Yes. Not-- I will.No? Okay.

166
00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:44,594
Oh, my God.Oh, do you have a plan?

167
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:47,858
Well, not totally.
Uh, I have to go.

168
00:07:47,902 --> 00:07:50,948
I left my newsstand open.
I think I have a blob problem.

169
00:07:50,992 --> 00:07:52,689
[ chuckles ]

170
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:53,995
I gotta go. I gotta go.

171
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:59,174
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Get out of here!

172
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:01,437
Come on!
Oh, look at this mess.

173
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:05,310
Oh, man! Like...
Thank you very much!

174
00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:07,008
Uh, Camomile White? Hi.Mm-hmm.

175
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:12,579
To whom do I owe this
extraordinary honor
and how much do I owe?

176
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:15,190
Save the idiot routine
for your customers.

177
00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:18,541
I know you were at the
gallery the day before
my séance.

178
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:20,891
And I know you turned off
the security cameras.

179
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,502
And I'm assuming
that's when you did

180
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,068
whatever you did
to the light bulbs.

181
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:27,245
I don't presume to know
what any of that means.

182
00:08:27,289 --> 00:08:29,552
Let's stop skirting around
the issue, shall we?

183
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:31,902
You tell me your tricks
and I'll tell you mine.

184
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,556
Why don't we start
with this newsstand?

185
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,688
Oh, yeah.
This old boy.
Yeah.

186
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:37,517
Me and Roofie--
My friend--
we thought

187
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,475
maybe it would help me drum up
a little more business.

188
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:42,086
It's just a silly little idea
but with some hard work

189
00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:45,089
and a little luck,
maybe I can be the next
Camomile White,

190
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,743
except, you know,
for real.

191
00:08:49,964 --> 00:08:52,880
Maybe we got off
on the wrong foot.

192
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,621
Maybe.

193
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,797
Would you like
to go out sometime?

194
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,190
That's not what I thought
you were gonna say.

195
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:01,671
You want to take my number?
Do you have a pen?

196
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:04,152
Yes.

197
00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:05,762
Oh, I have this.
Will this work?

198
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,721
Sure. Hand.
Okay.

199
00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:09,766
Oh.

200
00:09:09,810 --> 00:09:11,289
Call me...
[ groaning ]

201
00:09:11,333 --> 00:09:14,292
...when you want to...

202
00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:15,598
Aah!

203
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:17,992
...play.
Okay.

204
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:20,037
Yeah? Call me.

205
00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:26,478
ROOFIE: Why are you even going
out with this woman, man?

206
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:27,697
She caused you
so much trouble.

207
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,264
Yeah, I've been
thinking about that.

208
00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:31,266
But if she's this
incredibly mean to me

209
00:09:31,309 --> 00:09:33,094
and I still wanna
have sex with her,

210
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:35,618
that's gotta be
true love, Roof.

211
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,707
Even if it's not and
I'm wrong and I hate her,

212
00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:39,579
I'm sure that I still
wanna have sex with her.

213
00:09:39,622 --> 00:09:41,885
Okay. But one problem.

214
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:44,235
Camomile White is a woman
of expensive tastes.

215
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:45,628
How do you expect
to pay for this?

216
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:48,892
Ah, shart. I have to finish
this comedy club gig.

217
00:09:48,936 --> 00:09:50,415
What's the problem?

218
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,549
It's this ghost comedian.
He just won't leave.

219
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,290
Okay, so why don't you just
get, like, a ghost heckler?

220
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,118
No, Roofie.
You don t understand

221
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,294
the level of comedic genius
I'm dealing with here.

222
00:09:59,337 --> 00:10:02,079
This guy would destroy
a heckler.

223
00:10:02,123 --> 00:10:05,474
Hmm.

224
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:08,085
So, why don't you just find
the worst audience ever?

225
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:10,740
Drunk, rowdy,
uninhibited idiots

226
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:12,786
who not only won't
get his jokes,

227
00:10:12,829 --> 00:10:14,657
but they want all the
attention on themselves.

228
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:23,535
[ chuckles ]

229
00:10:23,579 --> 00:10:25,799
KEVIN: Ladies, now it's time
for a real bachelorette party.

230
00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:27,801
Who wants to see a show?

231
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,672
Did somebody say they want
to see a show? Huh?

232
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,065
[ women cheering ]

233
00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:32,370
Hey, how are you
doing out there?

234
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:34,851
[ screaming ]Whoo!

235
00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:37,680
What an attractive audience.
A battered women s shelter?

236
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:40,291
We're a bachelorette party!

237
00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:42,729
Oh, bachelorette party, huh?

238
00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:44,687
Who's the bride-to-be, huh?

239
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:47,690
Right here.
Me. It's me.

240
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:50,824
You? Wow!
You landed a husband?

241
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,260
What are you, rich?

242
00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:56,786
All right.
Marriage is a terrific
institution.

243
00:10:56,830 --> 00:11:00,398
I myself, I only slept
with one woman for 25 years.

244
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:01,922
And then my wife found out.

245
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,358
[ Kevin laughing ]

246
00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:05,882
Hey, hey. Heh-heh.All right!

247
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:07,754
You know what?
Obviously, this--

248
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,799
This didn't work.
Everyone out. Let's go.

249
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:12,715
Hey! This is
my bachelorette party,

250
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:18,634
and we're not leaving
until we see some hot
damn man-flesh.

251
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,767
[ women cheer ]Oh!

252
00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:23,030
[ chanting ] 
Stripper! Stripper!

253
00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:25,075
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.
Ladies, ladies.

254
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:26,773
[ chanting ] 
Stripper! Stripper!

255
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:29,950
You're worse than my in-laws
at Thanksgiving dinner.

256
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,953
I'm gonna be at Dangerfield's
from now on.

257
00:11:32,996 --> 00:11:35,695
I don't need this.

258
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:37,784
It actually worked. Huh!

259
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,177
[ chanting ] 
Stripper! Stripper!

260
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:44,486
Oh! Come on, who threw that?
Was that you?

261
00:11:44,529 --> 00:11:46,357
You're a troublemaker.
I can see it.

262
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:48,969
What the hell
happened in here?Huh? Oh.

263
00:11:49,012 --> 00:11:51,580
Uh, nothing.
I had to bring
in a few cats

264
00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,364
to get rid of the mouse.

265
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:54,626
I don't know what
you're talking about,

266
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:57,107
but you listen to me
and you listen well, okay?

267
00:11:57,151 --> 00:12:00,328
Mr. Tim Allen
is performing here tonight

268
00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:03,766
and he hates ghosts, okay?

269
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:07,683
If you don't fix this,
you are so not getting paid!

270
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,250
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no.

271
00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:11,121
I need you to pay me because
I need the money for my date.

272
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,775
for my probably soulmate
Camomile.

273
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,342
I don t care
about your date!

274
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:16,736
The only thing I care about
right now is Tim Allen.

275
00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:20,696
You fix whatever ghost stuff
is happening here.

276
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,915
Yes.
Fix it!

277
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:23,655
Okay.

278
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:26,484
WOMEN [ chanting ] 
Stripper! Stripper! 
Stripper!

279
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:31,881
All right, ladies, you don't
have to go into the light,

280
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,622
but you can't stay here!

281
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,885
Ain't that right,
Officer Billy Club?

282
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:38,975
[ cheering ]

283
00:12:39,019 --> 00:12:42,196
[ Kevin laughs ]

284
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:43,806
Get this music on for you.

285
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:46,548
 [ pop music playing ]

286
00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:49,725
All right!

287
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:54,904
Whoo-hoo!

288
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:56,210
[ women screaming ]

289
00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:58,560
Yeah, he s got
a gun, look out!

290
00:12:58,603 --> 00:13:00,257
Check out his gun,
ladies!

291
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:02,259
[ women cheering ]

292
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,394
Nice, right?

293
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,831
Whoa! Ha-ha!

294
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:11,094
Show that junk!
Show that junk!

295
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:13,923
Oh, they, uh,
want you to show them

296
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:16,012
your, uh, member.

297
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:18,406
[ chuckles ]

298
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:22,192
They?I mean me.
I call me "they."

299
00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:25,805
Oh, come on, buddy,
this isn't my first time

300
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,329
dancing for a bachelorette
fetishist.

301
00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:31,854
No, I m telling you there's
a bachelorette party

302
00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:33,160
going on right behind you.
Right behind you.

303
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,901
Right behind you.
[ cheering ]

304
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,816
Oh, you're
a little weirdo, huh?

305
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,382
I know. Yeah.

306
00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:41,037
There's girls right there.

307
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,778
How come
I can't see them?

308
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,432
Because they re all dead.
They're all dead.

309
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,306
You sick freak!

310
00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:52,135
Oh, whoa, don't shoot!
Don't shoot!

311
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:55,573
Wait. Is that a prop gun?Uh...

312
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:58,489
It s just-- It's just girls!
Officer Billy Club, come on!

313
00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:01,536
Hey, where did
the man-flesh go?

314
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:03,886
What kind of bachelorette party
is this?

315
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:06,976
I don't know. Can t we just
drink some cosmopolitans

316
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:08,891
and play a game of pin
the dick on the donkey?

317
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:12,590
No! We got on that bus,
and we had a vision.

318
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:15,332
And that vision was of a
big, throbbing phallus.

319
00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:17,900
And we are not going
anywhere until we see
some male dick!

320
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:20,947
Okay, fine. You guys want to
see a dick and you'll leave?

321
00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:22,949
Yeah!
Please.

322
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:24,994
I said, you guys wanna see
some dick and you'll leave?

323
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:26,822
[ all cheer ]

324
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,911
All right, I m gonna go find
the first guy I see,

325
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,392
bring him in here and make you
show his dick.

326
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,394
[ clothes ripping ]

327
00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:42,882
GHOST BRIDE: Whoa.

328
00:14:43,926 --> 00:14:47,060
Oh, it s so effing bright.

329
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:49,366
Oh, Sujita, do you think they
have brunch there?

330
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:51,542
WOMAN: Do you think we need
to make reservations?

331
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:55,372
Let s order two things so we can
have more variety.

332
00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:57,200
[ sighs ]

333
00:14:57,244 --> 00:14:59,115
Ah!

334
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:08,820
You really wanna make
this place look nice?

335
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,953
Throw on some pants.Oh, no!

336
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,302
Are you kidding me?
What are you doing here?

337
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:13,608
What happened
to Dangerfield's?

338
00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:15,088
Nah, Kinison went long.

339
00:15:15,131 --> 00:15:16,785
I got bumped.
The jerk.

340
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:17,960
Oh.

341
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:19,614
Come on, I'm begging you.

342
00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:21,485
Buddy, you gotta--
Just go into your light.

343
00:15:21,529 --> 00:15:24,271
It's not my fault
that your wife sucked so hard.

344
00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:26,490
Hey, listen! My wife
was a lot of things.

345
00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:28,971
But she did not suck.

346
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,277
Sadly not even
on my birthday.

347
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,626
But that's
none your business.

348
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,323
I ought to knock
your block off.

349
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:34,716
What are
you talking about?

350
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:37,545
Your whole act is about how
horrible your wife was.

351
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:39,155
The act, it's jokes.

352
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:41,418
I wrote most of those
things before I even met her.

353
00:15:41,462 --> 00:15:43,029
The truth is my wife
was nothing like that.

354
00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:45,031
My wife was--

355
00:15:45,074 --> 00:15:46,989
She was, uh...

356
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:51,820
I can't remember. Wow!

357
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:54,431
I guess I've been doing the
"my wife" bit so long

358
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:56,564
I forgot what
she was really like.

359
00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,479
I think I really loved her.

360
00:15:58,522 --> 00:16:00,524
If you really
loved your wife,

361
00:16:00,568 --> 00:16:03,484
why can't you figure out
a way to do some nice
material about her?

362
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,660
Hold on.

363
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:10,795
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
When I started dating my wife,

364
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,580
I was so poor...

365
00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:15,148
Come on,
help a specter out.

366
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:17,019
How poor were you?Thank you.

367
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:21,415
I was so poor that I couldn't
even afford to buy her flowers.

368
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:24,331
So I stopped on the way
to her house one day,

369
00:16:24,374 --> 00:16:27,116
at the empty lot, and I
picked up a bunch of dandelions.

370
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:30,032
Now, she s no dummy.
She knew they were weeds

371
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:33,949
but she put 'em on a vase
full of water, just the same.

372
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,039
Just like they were
a dozen roses.

373
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,998
She didn't want to hurt my
feelings.

374
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:43,350
The point is I knew
right at that moment

375
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:45,004
she was the one.

376
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:52,098
Well, what do you know?
There's my light.

377
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:56,537
Thanks, Kevin.

378
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:58,104
Good luck.

379
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:04,588
[ light pops ]

380
00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:06,373
[ sighs ]

381
00:17:07,635 --> 00:17:09,332
Wasn't very funny.

382
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:15,077
 All right, try it now.

383
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:17,339
Testes. Testes.
One, two, three.

384
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:19,080
Yes, good? Yeah, we're good.

385
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,214
 I'm just not sure 
why you're still doing this.

386
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,172
 I mean, you met him. 
Doesn't he seem harmless

387
00:17:23,215 --> 00:17:26,609
 and a little sweet, 
in a simple kind of way?

388
00:17:26,654 --> 00:17:28,482
He s not harmless, Sue.

389
00:17:28,525 --> 00:17:31,180
He's probably the greatest
con artist of all time.

390
00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:33,661
I tried to reason
with him medium to medium

391
00:17:33,704 --> 00:17:35,097
and he basically
threatened me,

392
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,360
saying he intended to become
the next Camomile White.

393
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,145
Well, not on my watch.

394
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:40,189
 So you're just taking out

395
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:42,278
 a little insurance policy?

396
00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:47,153
All I need to do is get him
to say the magic words.

397
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:49,851
 You look 
really pretty tonight.

398
00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:50,982
[ knocking on door ]

399
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:52,506
Of course.

400
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:55,465
Hi!

401
00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,251
Thank you.

402
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,865
Oh, I got these for you.

403
00:18:03,908 --> 00:18:06,476
I picked them, actually.
They're beautiful dandelions.

404
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:07,738
I know they're
not actually flowers

405
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:08,913
but a friend
of mine told me...

406
00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:10,263
Thank you.
They're lovely.

407
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:12,482
...they mean more than--I'll put them in some water.

408
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:14,136
Thank you.Okay, great. Yeah.

409
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,964
Wowee!

410
00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:18,314
So many nice things.
Uh...

411
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,664
So I was thinking
that tonight,

412
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:23,580
maybe we could just go
to the Big Apple Comedy Club.

413
00:18:23,624 --> 00:18:26,017
Two drink minimum but I happen
to know the owner, so...

414
00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:31,458
You know, I was thinking
that we could just stay in.

415
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:34,156
I mean, you're clearly
into me,

416
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,725
and I'm clearly into you.

417
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:39,030
Phew.

418
00:18:39,074 --> 00:18:41,511
So let s stop dancing
around our feelings

419
00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:43,948
and let's just --.
Oh!

420
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:48,475
Whoa!
Oh, just a heads up.Yeah.

421
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:49,650
There's no button
on these pants.

422
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:50,912
So you don't
have to do anything.

423
00:18:50,955 --> 00:18:52,174
there's an elastic
all the way around.

424
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:53,958
Perfect.
It is, right?

425
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:55,830
I just need
to know something first.

426
00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:58,441
Are you seeing
any other women?

427
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:00,269
Yeah, I'm seeing
some girls.

428
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:01,836
I m kidding.
I don't know why
I said that.

429
00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:04,186
Nope.
I was being hard to get.

430
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:07,058
Well, good. Because
I don't want to share you.

431
00:19:07,102 --> 00:19:10,714
Good. Trust me, I am not
seeing any other women
right now.

432
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,978
Well, are you seeing
any ghosts right now?

433
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:16,459
No.
What about recently?

434
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,548
You seen any
ghosts recently?
Uh, no.

435
00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,203
I have never seen a ghost.

436
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:24,075
I don't even know
how that would work, if
I'm being totally honest.

437
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,208
Very good,
Mr. Packalockloogie.

438
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:29,211
Oh. Uh, close.
Mr. Pacalioglu.

439
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:32,214
I mean, at least I think it is.
I never met my parents.

440
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:33,955
I'm an orphan.
Right.

441
00:19:33,998 --> 00:19:36,087
What happened?
Are you okay?

442
00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:38,177
Is my boner too big?

443
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,222
No.
Okay.

444
00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:42,268
I've suddenly got
a splitting headache.
You'd better go.

445
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:44,270
Well, you can take
something for that.

446
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:45,706
I got pills. I could
give you one of those.

447
00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:47,490
I'm sure one would
be good for headache.

448
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:50,711
No, No, no.
This headache won't go away
for as long as you re here.

449
00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:53,192
Oh, it's one of those.Yeah, you better go.

450
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:54,367
I've been around
a few of those.

451
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,847
Okay.
Mm-hmm.

452
00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:58,240
Okay, but, Ms. White?Yeah?

453
00:19:58,284 --> 00:20:01,200
I would just like to say
that I had the time--

454
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,202
Me too.
No, uh--

455
00:20:05,987 --> 00:20:08,076
 Oh, my God. How did it go? 
It sounded good.

456
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:10,948
Perfect. We've
got lots of work to do.

457
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:15,692
CAMOMILE [ on recording ] 
What about recently?

458
00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:17,477
 Have you seen any ghosts
recently?

459
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,392
KEVIN: No. I have never 
seen a ghost.

460
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:21,394
 I don't even know 
how that would work,

461
00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:22,351
 if I'm being 
totally honest.

462
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,353
Got him.

463
00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:28,227
[ mellow theme playing ]

464
00:20:31,839 --> 00:20:34,189
Seriously, what the heck
are you supposed to be?

465
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,626
I don't know.
Women, huh?

466
00:20:36,670 --> 00:20:40,151
Yeah.
Love is hard.

467
00:20:40,195 --> 00:20:43,024
[ sighs ]

468
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:44,678
So what, you need
a place to stay, buddy?

469
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:46,332
Yeah.

470
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:49,639
Yeah, that's what
I thought.

471
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:52,468
Okay, buddy,
come on home with me.

472
00:20:52,512 --> 00:20:54,992
[ babbling ]

473
00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:56,559
More chips, please.

474
00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:02,173
[ mellow theme playing ]